Post by ShadowWindSea on Jul 26, 2008 23:30:06 GMT -5
You all know Captain Falcon (AKA Captain Douglas Jay Falcon). If, for some near impossible reason, you've never heard of the good Captain, you are a very poor soul. I am here today to show just what makes the Captain so awesome.
Look at this picture, for example. This is photographic proof that Captain Falcon SINGLE-HANDEDLY created the universe with a mighty punch. This punch, the infamous Falcon Punch, can destroy as well as create. On good days, it has been shown to completely wipe several hundred galaxies from existence simultaneously; on not-so-good days, it is still able to create nuclear explosions of ungodly size. Considering this, I'm surprised that we don't call him "God Falcon". His mighty punch created existence and therefore, all of us. For this reason alone, you should admire the Captain.
Gaze upon the heroic Captain, valiantly punching an indestructible beast. For most, this would result in death. Captain Falcon, on the other hand, left this battle unharmed. And look, he's wearing PINK. Most men would be ridiculed for wearing PINK. But not Captain Falcon.
Little-known fact: Captain Falcon invented Disco. Now, you may be saying "Hah! This PROVES that Captain Falcon isn't all he's cracked up to be! Disco was his invention, and it's DEAD!" Well, you may think it's dead, but Disco will never die. As shown by the Captain here, it's still alive seeing as he's doing it and the year is 2008.
Captain Falcon is also very patriotic. When he created the universe, he was in the spot where America formed. As such, he has an undying attachment to America. He decided to make a tribute to America, and this is it. He is saluting America AND Falcon Punching at the same time, IN DIFFERENT CLOTHES. How amazing is THAT? He was also nice enough to let a fellow Captain help him to perfect this scene. Olimar, knowing the greatness of Captain Falcon, was eager to help.
You've seen the Falcon Punch. This is Captain Falcon's other famous move, the Falcon Kick. Although the Kick is much weaker than the Paunch, the Kick is still deadlier than any weapon that will ever be invented by any creature not named Captain Douglas Jay Falcon. The Kick, while unable to destroy as many as 50 million planets at any time, it can erase any given object from existence. Think of it as a weaker Paunch from a foot, that has a lesser range of effect. The Kick is also said to give angels their wings.
It is said that Captain Falcon hails from Port Town. This is only partly true. Captain Falcon lives there, but he wasn't born there. He formed his manly body there using only his mind, chest hair, and the essence of manliness.
Captain Falcon has an evil clone, Blood Falcon. It is unknown who created him, but seeing as it is impossible for any mere mortal to clone the Captain, Captain Falcon himself must've done it. Why? To have someone who can actually fight with him without the fight being completely one-sided. The Captain loves a challenge.
This is the Captain's famous Knee of Justice. This move has been known to cause men to lose any and all manliness he has. If a woman is hit by it, it automatically impregnates her with a male baby who will become obscenely famous one day.
Finally, this is the Captain's specialized F-Zero machine, the Blue Falcon. It is the greatest racing machine EVER, in the entire history of the universe. In F-Zero games, it isn't the best, but that's because the developers have to nerf it, just as they did to the good Captain in every Smash game. If they didn't, everyone would complain about how unfair the game is because it would be IMPOSSIBLE to ever win.
This is a new thing that has recently been discovered: Captain Falcon is the one who plays the guitar in Mute City (both Melee and Brawl versions) and Fire Field. He plays these amazing guitar parts with his teeth while the guitar is ON FIRE.
There you have it. Just about EVERY reason you should admire the good captain. Because Captain Falcon is largely considered the worst character in the game, it shows just how heavily Sakurai had to nerf him to make the other characters worthwile. It took so much effort and data to nerf him that they had to remove the forbiden 7, playable Ridley, and 12 other characters. So whenever you play Brawl and you're upset that your favorite character isn't in the game, remember that if that character was in, he/she/it would automatically be in the garbage tier, along with everyone not named Captain Douglas Jay Falcon.
Look at this picture, for example. This is photographic proof that Captain Falcon SINGLE-HANDEDLY created the universe with a mighty punch. This punch, the infamous Falcon Punch, can destroy as well as create. On good days, it has been shown to completely wipe several hundred galaxies from existence simultaneously; on not-so-good days, it is still able to create nuclear explosions of ungodly size. Considering this, I'm surprised that we don't call him "God Falcon". His mighty punch created existence and therefore, all of us. For this reason alone, you should admire the Captain.
Gaze upon the heroic Captain, valiantly punching an indestructible beast. For most, this would result in death. Captain Falcon, on the other hand, left this battle unharmed. And look, he's wearing PINK. Most men would be ridiculed for wearing PINK. But not Captain Falcon.
Little-known fact: Captain Falcon invented Disco. Now, you may be saying "Hah! This PROVES that Captain Falcon isn't all he's cracked up to be! Disco was his invention, and it's DEAD!" Well, you may think it's dead, but Disco will never die. As shown by the Captain here, it's still alive seeing as he's doing it and the year is 2008.
Captain Falcon is also very patriotic. When he created the universe, he was in the spot where America formed. As such, he has an undying attachment to America. He decided to make a tribute to America, and this is it. He is saluting America AND Falcon Punching at the same time, IN DIFFERENT CLOTHES. How amazing is THAT? He was also nice enough to let a fellow Captain help him to perfect this scene. Olimar, knowing the greatness of Captain Falcon, was eager to help.
You've seen the Falcon Punch. This is Captain Falcon's other famous move, the Falcon Kick. Although the Kick is much weaker than the Paunch, the Kick is still deadlier than any weapon that will ever be invented by any creature not named Captain Douglas Jay Falcon. The Kick, while unable to destroy as many as 50 million planets at any time, it can erase any given object from existence. Think of it as a weaker Paunch from a foot, that has a lesser range of effect. The Kick is also said to give angels their wings.
It is said that Captain Falcon hails from Port Town. This is only partly true. Captain Falcon lives there, but he wasn't born there. He formed his manly body there using only his mind, chest hair, and the essence of manliness.
Captain Falcon has an evil clone, Blood Falcon. It is unknown who created him, but seeing as it is impossible for any mere mortal to clone the Captain, Captain Falcon himself must've done it. Why? To have someone who can actually fight with him without the fight being completely one-sided. The Captain loves a challenge.
This is the Captain's famous Knee of Justice. This move has been known to cause men to lose any and all manliness he has. If a woman is hit by it, it automatically impregnates her with a male baby who will become obscenely famous one day.
Finally, this is the Captain's specialized F-Zero machine, the Blue Falcon. It is the greatest racing machine EVER, in the entire history of the universe. In F-Zero games, it isn't the best, but that's because the developers have to nerf it, just as they did to the good Captain in every Smash game. If they didn't, everyone would complain about how unfair the game is because it would be IMPOSSIBLE to ever win.
This is a new thing that has recently been discovered: Captain Falcon is the one who plays the guitar in Mute City (both Melee and Brawl versions) and Fire Field. He plays these amazing guitar parts with his teeth while the guitar is ON FIRE.
There you have it. Just about EVERY reason you should admire the good captain. Because Captain Falcon is largely considered the worst character in the game, it shows just how heavily Sakurai had to nerf him to make the other characters worthwile. It took so much effort and data to nerf him that they had to remove the forbiden 7, playable Ridley, and 12 other characters. So whenever you play Brawl and you're upset that your favorite character isn't in the game, remember that if that character was in, he/she/it would automatically be in the garbage tier, along with everyone not named Captain Douglas Jay Falcon.